3 days, 1 research paper and 1 essay. GO!

I’ve been sleeping more lately but not like when i was first depressed. I would sleep 24 plus hours in my first bout of depression which was all during my last semester of senior year. How does one sleep THROUGH THE LAST SEMESTER OF HIGH SCHOOL AND GRADUATE? It just happens that I know the answer. Well not the definite answer but my personalized answer. Wake up, take a quick shower, sleep in class, hang out with friends, go back home and sleep. It was kinda like being a zombie but not completely. When I say zombie then you instantly think of a blank soul or something that lives with no meaning except for brains. I used the word “zombie” because thats the word people use to describe it. Obviously, that wasnt my case because i wasnt living just for delicious brains. I knew that the world goes on and well i knew that my musical skills weren’t keep themselves up so i guess there was a reason as to why i woke up, showered and went to school. Also, i knew that my school was not going to say “Oh you were depressed, how sad. Let us feel so sorry and print this diploma right now and just expect you to show up for the day of graduation.” Therefore, my soul wasn’t completely blank. I was aware of all the things that could happen to me if i decided to just give up. Now, the things that i suffered with back then are in control but the things that were in control are now out of place. I had the most emotionally draining relationship with my mother and the musical aspect of my life had taken a short break due to the incompetence of my band director but friends, girls, pleasures, and things of that sort were fine. Now my mother and I are really good friends and I have been playing in a jazz band where i am seeing a lot of promise but friends im lacking, haven’t touched a girl in what is about to be a year, and those pleasures i was talking about don’t come with no girls. I have no idea about what the hell is going on in my life. I used to be the guy who people wanted to be. Girls were never a problem til now. I suppose I am experiencing another little episode of depression since… well life isn’t too dandy, I am not being the person I was and i totally do not feel happy about the way my life is going about.  I notice myself sleeping more and more because my dreams are just that much better then actual life. I don’t sleep as much as that first episode. If anything, my sleeping patterns are much better than when i was first depressed. I wake up earlier than before and i am more functional than then but I am doing less blank sleeping and more dreaming. I assure you that tonight i will have a dream and I will remember it because thats how its been for the past month. I wake up early and remember my dreams and then i say to myself “lets sleep just another hour so we can develop the dream more.” Then I resume with my sleep and do actually keep dreaming about the same thing. Let me tell you, ITS FUCKIN AMAZING TO BE ABLE TO REMEMBER A DREAM RIGHT AFTER HAVING IT BUT ITS EVEN MORE FUCKING AMAZING TO GO BACK TO SLEEP AND CONTINUE IT! Then, i realize that it cant be normal because when i was first depressed I SLEPT A SHITLOAD and had dreams but not that many dreams. Now, i sleep less (more than the recommended obviously but way less than the 20 plus hours.) but have more dreams and i have the capability to keep dreaming if i want to. I guess it is really obvious that I am not happy with myself but I’m really trying to identify if my problem is just as simple as girls and sex or something much more complex as me realizing that i am becoming some sort of creature who i don’t want to be. 

Good thing not many people know my tumblr. saves me from embarrassing explanations and everyone knowing my problems.